Since working full-time, taking on side projects, blogging, hanging out with the family and writing a book doesn’t keep me busy enough, I thought maybe I’d start a new web site called ExLowCarbers.com. The idea would be to “out” any traitors to the cause. Visitors to the site could, say, click a state on a map of the U.S. and see names and descriptions of ex-low-carbers who live there. Then, of course, the angry visitors find the traitors in cyberspace and shame them. I’ll even add the first listing myself: my buddy Richard Nikoley in California.
If that sounds like an incredibly stupid idea, it’s only because it’s incredibly stupid idea. Since I’m not a nutcase, I don’t get upset if Richard does some experimenting and finds that a higher-carb diet works better for him. More power to him. He also doesn’t get upset that I’ve found a low-carb, starch-free diet works best for me.
If only everyone were so sane. A couple of days ago, the aforementioned Richard Nikoley tweeted (in his characteristic colorful language) a link to a site that “outs” ex-vegans. The banner reads:
Vegan Sellout List
Calling Ex-Vegans Out By Name
Visitors are invited to submit information about ex-vegans to add to the list. Out of curiosity, I read some listings:
Chris Kresser: Vegan turned paleo guy. Runs a website about paleo topics. Now eats pure murder.
Bob Harper, former star on The Biggest Loser: This TV star felt his body was craving something. So like most weak-willed people, he went for the cheese. Oh but he loves his dog. Really. Hates cows, but his dog…
Naw, Bob probably just pretends those cows are Jillian Michaels before plunging a knife into them.
Angelo Orozco: Used to be vegan, but started eating meat when he opened his own Crossfit gym.
Hmmm … so it seems people become ex-vegans when they discover paleo works better for them, or start craving animal products, or open a gym and want to be strong. Those sound like people who are listening to their bodies instead of adhering to dogma.
Actually, if Chris Kresser is on the list, I’d kind of like to be there too. I wonder how long you have to be a vegan to sell out? During my vegetarian days, I went all-vegan for about a month. (I still have nightmares about the vegan cheesecake I tried to eat before throwing it away.) Perhaps I can report myself and get listed.
Here are some quotes from the Our Mission page:
Our mission to is provide an outlet for the unbalanced rage of the creator. It was either that or go take an axe to the meat aisle in my local Kroger.
Okay, I made that one up. Here are the real quotes:
If you’re no longer vegan, you’re going on the list.
Boy, I bet that scares ‘em silly. I wonder if the FBI could be persuaded to expand the witness protection program to include people on the ex-vegan list. I’m picturing ex-vegans and ex-mobsters playing poker together in an undisclosed location somewhere in Nebraska. (They’d be eating pastrami sandwiches, naturally.)
The spirits of the billions murdered have risen to deliver: The Vegan Sellout List – an online directory of those who have regressed from moral consistency to moral depravity.
If you believe the spirits of dead animals rose up and helped create your site, I’d suggest you eat a couple of eggs. Your brain is seriously deficient in cholesterol.
The Vegan Sellout List is our answer to the epidemic of vegan sellouts – those who are aware of the suffering caused by meat, dairy, egg, fur, and leather production, yet choose to look away while the animals suffer.
Look away? Nope. I look right at my chickens when I collect their eggs. Sometimes I yell, “Look! I’m taking away your children!” I’ll look right at them when they stop laying eggs and end up in the soup pot. I looked right at the raccoon that killed their hen-house mates — that’s how you aim a rifle, after all.
Selling out veganism is a trend on the upswing, bringing with it swarms of haughty, nose-turning carnists uttering nonsensical buzzwords re: veganism being “privileged”, or “trendy”, critiquing themselves into ethical degeneracy and paleo-terrorism.
Uh, wait a minute … if veganism is everything the vegan zealots say it is (the key to superior health, etc.), why the heck would abandoning veganism be a “trend on the upswing”? Perhaps it’s because a lot of people try being vegans and then say to themselves, “Man, I feel like @#$%! I’m ordering a steak!”
To those who have regressed from veganism, yet display symptoms of a soul not fully blackened to it’s core, we ask you to remind yourself why you were what you were.
Boy, wouldn’t whoever wrote that be a fun person to hang around with? I’m reminded of a joke:
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s NOT FUNNY, you @#$%ing MURDERER!!!
Now, before all you non-preachy vegetarians with a good sense of humor go diving into the comments section to set me straight, allow me to beat you to it: yes, I know you’re not all like that. In a post awhile back, I wrote about a vegan I knew in Los Angeles who not only wasn’t preachy, her live-in boyfriend ate meat – just not in the house. He ordered bacon when I joined them for breakfast at a restaurant.
But if you’re honest, you have to admit that the vegan/vegetarian crowd (especially the vegan crowd) has more than its share of humorless zealots. Look what happened when a restaurant chain dared to make a joke in one of it commercials:
Are vegetarians humorless? It’s the question being asked this week after a Red Robin television ad offended herbivores by touting its 24 types of burgers and then noting, with an implied eye roll and mock whisper, “We even have a Gardenburger—just in case your teenage daughter is going through a phase.”
The commercial, part of a new campaign ad series, aired for about a week before being rotated out, as was planned from the start. But it prompted outrage among activists and on social media outlets, with a slew of horrified vegetarians taking the eatery to task for its condescending approach.
Horrified? Seriously? Let’s suppose the Red Robin commercial had ended with “We even have a double burger wrapped in lettuce – just in case your middle-aged husband is going through a ‘caveman’ phase.” Can you imagine Mark Sisson, or Robb Wolf, or Loren Cordain, or Jimmy Moore becoming outraged over that remark? I’m pretty sure they’d chuckle. I know I would.
“Though I applaud any fast food chain that offers a veggie burger, and I hope that more do, the idea that not eating animals is reserved solely for teenage girls going through a phase is obviously meant to insult both vegans and girls,” Jasmin Singer, executive director of Our Hen House, a New York-based multimedia vegan activism organization, told Yahoo! Shine.
There’s the difference again: I don’t believe there are any paleo activism organizations.
As for Red Robin promoting the stereotype that vegans tend to be teenage girls, gee, I wonder if there’s a reason for that stereotype? If we only we had some statistics …
Oh, wait – we do. According to this vegan website, 78% of the vegans in the U.S. are female, and 69% became a vegan by the age of 24. People didn’t come up with the notion that vegans tend to be young and female out of thin air. As a comedian, I can assure you that if Red Robin’s little joke didn’t have the ring of truth to it, it wouldn’t be funny.
Of course, if years of veganism caused your funny bone to wither away …
“My husband and I used to get your Gardenburger—but after your insulting ad, you have lost our business,” wrote one woman on the restaurant’s Facebook page, echoing the comments of an ever-growing slew of others. “I will never visit your restaurant again.”
One again, try to imagine me responding like that if Red Robin had made a joke about middle-aged men going through a “caveman” phase.
But can’t vegetarians just loosen up and realize it’s all in good fun?
Don’t be silly. See my joke above.
It was a question tackled by animal advocate and vegan blogger Katrina Donovan Fleming in a June 11 essay, “Just a Joke: Confessions of a ‘Humorless Vegan,'” on Our Hen House.
“Exclusionary humor and its acerbic aftertaste are nothing new, of course. Think of all the jokes that are based in racism. The dumb blond jokes. Antigay jokes. This type of humor is a not-so-subtle way of communicating to one’s companions: ‘We’re better,’” she observes.
Yes, I can see why you take these things so seriously. I remember the shameful period in our nation’s history when vegetarians weren’t allowed to drink from public fountains and had to ride in the back of the bus.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least twice: some people are only happy when they’re offended. It makes them feel important, especially if they can also convince themselves they’re being persecuted.
On a positive note for the vegan crowd, PETA is praising the baseball stadium in Philadelphia for being the most “vegetarian-friendly” of all the major league parks:
PETA cites “the unequaled meat-free chicken steak, followed closely by the unique and delicious vegetarian pit-beef barbecue. Other tantalizing cruelty-free treats include faux beef steak, a veggie dog, a black-bean burger, a vegetarian burrito, and calcium-rich hummus and pretzels. The fresh salads and fruit cups are perfect for fans looking for lighter fare.”
Meat-free chicken, barbecue, steaks and hot dogs. Interesting choices.
Note to the angry little pissant who created ExVegans.com: here’s why selling out on veganism is a “trend on the upswing”: nobody ever walked into a barbecue joint to order a rack of ribs and said, “By the way, can you make those things taste just like tofu?”
And yes, that’s funny.
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