“Cliffy, if a little knowledge is dangerous, you’re a walking time bomb.”
“Well, thank you, Diane!”
If memory serves, that exchange occurred in an episode of Cheers after Cliff Clavin, the know-it-all postman, explained to Diane that DNA stands for Dames are Not Aggressive.
“No, Cliffy. DNA stands for deoxyribonucleic acid.”
“Irregardless, there, Diane, my point is still moot.”
Last week, I broke my own Arguing With Idiots rule and engaged in a long online debate with a body-builder I eventually began referring to as “Cliffy,” in honor of his belief that since he’s lean and has big muscles, he knows absolutely everything there is to know about why people become fat. Here’s what he explained to me (you may want to take notes):
People get fat because they’re lazy and eat too much.
I know, I know … it’s a tough one to wrap your head around. You may need to read it couple of times before it sinks in.
I argued that people get fat because hormones signal their bodies to store a disproportionate share of the calories they consume as fat, which creates a fuel shortage at the cellular level, which ramps up appetite, which leads to eating more. Hormonal imbalances are the cause; eating more is the symptom.
Cliffy countered by explaining that I’m an idiot (as well as a fat, lazy old man) and that he knows for a fact that being lazy and over-eating are the cause of obesity, because he doesn’t over-eat and exercises regularly and has very little body fat.
I haven’t seen a picture of Clffy, but I’ll take him at his word. I’ll also bet you dollars to donuts (and you can keep the donuts) he’s never been fat. Good for him. Unfortunately, some naturally-lean people can’t help but assume they’re not fat because of their superior character and discipline. Metabolically, they were born on the finish line, but think they won a race. Worse, some think being born on the finish line qualifies them to teach others how to win the race, too. (But enough about Jillian Michaels.)
I asked Cliffy a question Dr. Robert Lustig raised in his interview with Jimmy Moore: if gluttony and sloth are the cause of obesity, how do we explain the rise in obesity among six-month-olds? Are today’s babies lazier and more gluttonous than babies in previous generations? Are babies even capable of gluttony and sloth?
Cliffy then explained – no, I’m not making this up – that their mothers are obviously feeding them too much.
That was the reply that prompted me (after slapping my hands on my desk and laughing my head off) to nickname him “Cliffy.” From that point forward, every time I read one of his replies, in my head I was hearing the words spoken aloud by John Ratzenberger in his comedic Boston accent.
“Well, ya see there, Diane, some of these mothers haven’t been properly instructed by their pediatricians as to the proper duration of a nursing session.”
Since Cliffy clearly doesn’t know diddly about babies and nursing, I explained how it works: Baby cries. Mommy offers breast. If baby is hungry, baby nurses. Baby continues nursing until baby has had enough. Now we burp baby. No sane mother in history has ever pulled a baby away from her breast and said, “Woah, that’s enough, baby! Daddy and I don’t want you getting fat!”
Cliffy replied by explaining that I’m an idiot (and a fat, lazy old man) and that if more babies are obese these days, it’s because they have hormonal problems, and he wasn’t actually talking about babies anyway, because what he actually meant was that if kids are overweight – kids, not babies! – it’s because their parents are over-feeding them.
When I pointed out that he’d just admitted hormonal imbalances can cause obesity among babies and wondered why he still insisted obesity among kids is strictly a matter of being lazy and eating too much, Cliffy explained that I’m an idiot (and a fat, lazy old man) who is stupidly blaming “evil carbohydrates!” for making kids fat, when everyone knows if kids get fat, it’s only because their parents are over-feeding them, period, end of story.
So let’s look at Cliffy’s explanation and see if it makes sense. I think you parents especially will appreciate Cliffy’s logic.
My daughters are both lean. According to Cliffy, this means Chareva and I are not over-feeding them. Kudos to us. We must be great parents.
Just one little problem: I have no flippin’ idea how we manage to avoid over-feeding them. When the girls tell me they’re hungry, I feed them. If they’re still hungry, I feed them again. I’ve never once told them, “Nope, you’ve eaten enough food today. I don’t want you getting fat.”
If Alana (soon to turn six) is in a growth spurt, she’ll even wake up and come downstairs well after midnight to ask for a snack. I give it to her. Sometimes after the snack, she’ll ask for another. I give it to her.
But that’s me. My wife is charge of their meals most of the time. So after Cliffy explained to me that kids become fat because their parents over-feed them, I talked to her about it.
“Honey, how many calories do the girls burn off in a day?”
“Calories? I have no idea.”
“You’ve never looked it up to get an estimate?”
“Well, how many calories do you feed them in a day?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never counted.”
“Then how do you know when to cut them off for the day?”
“Cut them off? What are you talking about?”
“You know, to keep them from getting fat. When do you know it’s time to stop so you don’t end up over-feeding them?”
“I never stop. If they’re hungry, I give them something to eat.”
“Yes, always. What kind of mother doesn’t feed a hungry child?”
Aha, so it isn’t just me. My girls are lean, so we’re clearly not over-feeding them … and yet we accomplish this remarkable demonstration of parental responsibility by giving them something to eat every single time they tell us they’re hungry.
My parents did the same. I ended up fat, but my brother didn’t … so they somehow managed to over-feed me, but not him. (I could’ve sworn we had the same-sized portions on our plates.) My sister was skinny until she started taking Ritalin, which apparently prompted my parents to start over-feeding her as well, because she got fat soon afterwards.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I bumped into another parent from our girls’ school at the grocery store. She told us she’s going to push her son to engage in more outdoor sports activities this summer because he’s started getting fat – at age seven. Naturally, I couldn’t help but sneak a peek into her grocery cart. It was full of the kinds of foods that would make the American Heart Association proud: cereals, whole-wheat bread, pasta, fruit spreads, potatoes, and big jugs of apple juice.
I’m guessing this mom, who struck me as a sweet person, feeds her kids whenever they’re hungry. According to Cliffy, this means she’s over-feeding her son, because he’s getting fat. Our girls are lean, which means we’re not over-feeding them, even though we also feed them every time they’re hungry.
We avoid “over-feeding” our girls by deciding what to feed them, not how much. We don’t keep candy, cookies, donuts, waffles, cereals, breads, juice boxes or sodas in the house. When they’re hungry between meals, they can take their pick of lunchmeats, eggs, cheeses, olives, carrots, tomatoes, sardines, sausage links, full-fat yogurt, home-made whipped cream, fruits or nuts. They can even have low-carb ice cream.
The difference is, they just don’t crave all that much food. Funny how when you stock your cabinets and refrigerator with full-fat, low-sugar, real foods, you can feed kids as much as they want, and yet somehow avoid over-feeding them.
But irregardless there, Diane, Cliffy’s point is still moot.