Don’t Take This Sitting Down

      35 Comments on Don’t Take This Sitting Down

I call them The Anointed. Nassim Nicholas Taleb prefers the term The Intellectual Yet Idiot, but they’re the same people. Here’s part of his description:

… that class of paternalistic semi-intellectual experts with some Ivy league, Oxford-Cambridge, or similar label-driven education who are telling the rest of us 1) what to do, 2) what to eat, 3) how to speak, 4) how to think… and 5) who to vote for.

We can now add 6) how to pee to the list.

Nearly 25 years ago, fellow comedian Tim Slagle and I produced a libertarian radio show (which ran on, I believe, one station) titled The Slagle-Naughton Report. In one episode we reported that in the interest of gender equality, a new had been passed that required men to sit down to pee. But as I’ve mentioned many times, the problem with parodying the loony left’s Grand Plans is that eventually reality catches up to the parody.

In a recent post of leftover news from 2019, I quoted from an article in the Huffington Post:

Male representatives on the Sormland County Council in Sweden should sit rather than stand while urinating in office restrooms, according to a motion advanced by the local Left Party.

Known as a socialist and feminist organization, the party claims that seated urination is more hygienic for men — the practice decreases the likelihood of puddles and other unwanted residue forming in the stall — in addition to being better for a man’s health by more effectively emptying one’s bladder, The Local reported.

While going through my OneNote files this weekend, I was reminded that this issue isn’t isolated to loons in Sweden. According to an article in the U.K. Telegraph, it’s worldwide:

There are many ways to remove a man’s dignity. One of the foremost, however, has got to be forcing him to urinate sitting down.

According to the Vancouver Sun, the Swedes are even attempting to indoctrinate little boys at nursery, drumming into them the message “be a sweetie and take a seatie”.

If I had a young son, I’d teach him to reply with Be a dear and kiss my rear.

But Sweden is not the only country to be contemplating such a radical lavatorial intrusion.

Feminist groups in France and Holland have been campaigning on the issue under slogans like “laissez tomber votre pantalon, et asseyez vous!” (lower your trousers and sit!), and “toch niet weer een vieze plas op MIJN badkamer vloer!” (not another filthy puddle on MY bathroom floor!).

I assume this strategy was spelled out in a feminist essay titled How To Take Whatever Support You Have Among Men And Piss It Away.

The Germans are even more militant on the issue.

That’s a shock.

In 2004, a company called Patentwert produced the WC Ghost, intended to shame men into sitting to deliver. Costing £6, the gadget was attached to a lavatory seat. When it was raised, an automatic voice was triggered.

“Hey, stand-peeing is not allowed here and will be punished with fines, so if you don’t want any trouble, you’d best sit down”, it barked, in a voice modelled on Gerhard Schroder.

They modelled the voice on a former Chancellor of Germany? For a device attached to lavatory seats? I wonder how Mr. Schroder feels about that. Seems a wee bit disrespectful.

I’m going to suggest Patentwert avoid using Donald Trump’s voice for the American version. Some people I know would not only fail to sit down in time, they’d wet themselves before unzipping their pants.

Apparently Patentwert had other ideas anyway.

A prototype intended for American production featured a Texan drawl saying “Don’t you go wetting this floor cowboy, you never know who’s behind you. So sit down, get your water pistol in the bowl where it belongs.”

I’m sure that will go over reeeeeaaal big in Texas.

“Don’t you go wetting this floor cowboy, you never know … (glug, glug, cough) … hey, stop pissing on me, cowboy!”

For the British market, Patentwert planned to create voices imitating the Prime Minister and the Queen.

The Queen?!

“Do be a deah, my good man, and kindly remain standing while (glug, glug, cough) … hey, stop urinating on me, Andrew!”

This entire issue is beyond silly. And yet according to another article in the Independent, a German court even got involved:

For millions of German men it is masculinity’s last domain. But for their wives, girlfriends and partners, it is often the perennial bane of their domestic lives. The question is now: does a man have a legal right to do what comes naturally and pee standing up?

In Germany, the issue is certainly no matter for jokes.

Um … yes it is.

Lavatories in cafés, cinemas and even in private homes are often equipped with red light or “no entry” stickers ordering all male users not to pee im stehen – standing up. They often come complete with graphics showing men exactly how to manage the task of sitting urination.

Well, thank goodness for that. I’m told sitting down to pee is entirely different from sitting down for other business. For example, when sitting down to pee, there’s no reason to grab a magazine first.

Cartoonists have gone further and depicted men interpreting the “not standing” rule all too literally by lying on their backs on the floor while desperately trying to pee into the lavatory bowl.

I did that once, but I was in college and there was alcohol involved. My memory of the incident is fuzzy, but I believe I was thinking that if I stood up to pee in my wobbly condition, there was a mild-to-moderate risk I’d drop my beer.

Men have hit back with the term sitzpinkler, which implies that any man who urinates sitting down is a less of a man.

What a perfect word. I’m going to start calling certain people sitzpinkler on Twitter and see how long it takes them to figure it out. Maybe I’ll start with that South African doctor who’s always trolling Tim Noakes.

But today a German court finally answered the question that has caused strife in Teutonic households for decades. It ruled that men can indeed enjoy the privilege of peeing standing up even though, as the male judge put it: “They must expect occasional rows with housemates.”

This is why battles over judicial nominations are so bitter: put the wrong judges on the bench, and you can end up with laws telling men they have to pee standing up.

But that’s how The Anointed operate. They want to control every aspect of your life … what you eat, what dietary advice you offer (and whether you’re allowed to offer it at all), what kind of vehicle you can drive, what kind of light-bulbs you can buy, what you can say without being de-platformed, and now even your bathroom habits.

Let’s not take this sitting down. I say stand up, men … and piss on ‘em.


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35 thoughts on “Don’t Take This Sitting Down

  1. Garry Lee

    An old line from Yorkshire dramas is “Trouble at pit.”
    “Trouble at piss.” is a new take on that.
    Can’t imagine that going down well in Yorkshire, or Cork for that matter.

    Reply
  2. June

    >>Men have hit back with the term sitzpinkler, which implies that any man who urinates sitting down is a less of a man.<<

    So, the one and only reason men stand to pee is because 'girls' sit to pee? There isn't a medical reason that peeing standing up is preferred? You definitely don't argue with the hygienic argument that men leave urine on the floor. It's really just that manly men being manly men stand? Because so far that is the one and only reason you are presenting for men standing to pee. I can see the resistance to laws being passes, but what is the issue with encouraging grown men to sit or teaching little boys that manhood is not dependent on how they empty their bladder? Why, next thing you know they'll be saying that men showing their feelings isn't a sign of weakness or that a real man treats women as equals. It is interesting that you are not giving any justification for peeing stand up other than "We do it because we can and girls can't, so there."

    Reply
    1. Tom Naughton Post author

      I can think of several reasons besides avoiding the “less manly” method.

      1. It’s faster and more convenient, which is why in any public facility, the line for the ladies’ room is waaay longer.
      2. In many men’s rooms there are more urinals than stalls, and the stalls are often occupied.
      3. I don’t consider it more sanitary to sit on a toilet seat where others have recently sat.
      4. It’s completely unnecessary for men to sit down to urinate.
      5. As one researcher quoted in one of the articles pointed out, it’s more difficult to shake it off while sitting down, which makes sitting less sanitary.
      6. Two words: snow writing.

      Reply
        1. Laura

          Gossip? GOSSIP? Oh, yes, when I’ve paid several hundred dollars for theater tickets, the one thing I want to do is hang out in the ladies room and gossip to ensure I miss several minutes of the show after intermission.

          Reply
          1. Tom Naughton Post author

            You two play nice. No, it’s not about gossip. It’s about the time it takes to undress enough to sit on a toilet seat, take care of business and get dressed again vs. unzipping a fly.

            Reply
    2. Firebird7479

      Why are girls taught to sit to pee? Why don’t they stand? Women have been demanding that they get the same treatment as men, so why not stand when you pee instead of making us sit?

      Reply
    3. Tom Welsh

      I am reminded of a graffito I saw long ago.

      On the men’s room wall was a notice saying, “Now Wash Your Hands”.

      Underneath someone has added: “Better still, don’t piss on them in the first place”.

      Although I went on washing my hands, I felt the remark has much to be said for it.

      “Filthy puddles” are best avoided by pissing straight. (And, if necessary, being circumcised).

      Reply
      1. Tom Naughton Post author

        If you suggest circumcising adult men to improve their aim, I think you’re going to have some protests on your hands — whether you wash them or not.

        Reply
  3. Renee

    Personally, I hate sharing a unisex bathroom with men for this reason. They pee all over the place. Is it that HARD to aim it in the toilet?

    Reply
  4. Kate R

    Dear men, please continue peeing standing up (So convenient at so may times) – just don’t leave a mess for someone else (traditionally, female) to clean up. That is the issue, in a nutshell, you could say.

    Reply
  5. DebbieC

    My youngest grandson is four. Since being potty trained he’s peed sitting down. But just a couple weeks ago he proudly told me that he was now capable of peeing while STANDING UP! He was so proud of himself, and even showed me that he had a hole in his underwear to make it easy so he wouldn’t have to pull his pants down.

    I haven’t witnessed yet how me manages this yet at my house but my older grandson is 10 and has been peeing while standing for years now. He never makes a mess or gets any pee on the floor. The toilet bowl is a pretty big target to aim at after all. In all the years he lived at home my son never ever got pee on the floor either. How hard can it be to aim properly?

    Reply
    1. Tom Naughton Post author

      That’s what I’ve been wondering. I keep hearing about puddles of urine everywhere because men stand up. I’ve never considered the toilet bowl a difficult target to hit.

      Reply
      1. Chris Bauer

        From what my wife tells me, ladies washrooms have pee puddles everywhere as well, because ladies also don’t like sitting on a seat some one else has recently been on. So they “hover” and end up urinating all over the seat and floor as well. I don’t understand why it’s the men who always have to shoulder the blame.

        Reply
  6. Dianne

    My grandmother (born 1883) once posted a sign in her bathroom that said, “If you can’t hit the hole, sit down like a woman.” Apparently her sons were a mite careless, but after that they got the message. By and large the men I’ve known have been very courteous in this respect. I’ll admit I hate unisex restrooms on general principles, but also have to admit that I’ve found plenty of urine (and some other substances as well) on the seat in women’s restrooms. Some people just ain’t civilized, regardless of gender.

    Reply
    1. Firebird7479

      I worked in a night club as a janitor. I’d come in the following morning to clean the place and I will tell you, the women’s bathroom was disgusting to clean! The men might have cigarette butts flung in the urinal, and we’d have to reach in to clean or replace the urinal cakes, but the women! Each stall has a box for their old feminine hygiene product to be placed in. Rarely did they “hit the target”. Instead they tried to flush them down the toilet. Then the next woman would come in, see the woman before tried it and it didn’t work, then SHE’D have a go at it, anyway! Think it was pleasant sticking my hands in there for $4/hour?

      Reply
  7. Louise

    I would love to be able to pee standing up! Those pee bottles or equivalent on hiking trips are useless 😐. Maybe this is just female envy!
    Seriously, the world’s going insane…

    Reply
  8. Brian

    I hate to generalize any race, sex or religion. It simply sounds ignorant! So when I read about men who “can’t hit the target so then all men should be forced to sit to pee” I find that sad. It would be like me saying women should not be firefighters because SOME women have trouble lifting. When we start making rules based only on what “some” do or don’t do, we are heading down a slippery slope for sure.

    I am forced to use a public bathroom at work. I have gone in and found men who have managed to get their #2 on the floor! I think how in the world did they do that!! Talk about missing the target. Is the solution to tie men to the toilet so they have do deposit their waste in the proper place? Anyone else see how silly this whole thing is getting.

    Reply
    1. Tom Naughton Post author

      Good lord. I must have had the good fortune to work with clean guys for my entire career. I’ve never found puddles of urine or worse in the men’s room anywhere I’ve worked.

      Reply
      1. Brian

        Consider yourself lucky Tom!! This is not done by my co-workers. We use the same bathrooms as the general public. Meaning we have hundreds of different men using them in any given day. There are always bad apples in every bunch.

        Reply
  9. Kathy in OK

    That’s because when you were little Mom taught you to stand on the seat and squat to pee. When you can’t do that anymore, you hover. No, I don’t do that – unless the seat is nasty.

    Reply
  10. Bex

    I’m pretty left wing and I’ve never even seen this as a thing, I didn’t even know it was a thing….my partner will voluntarily sit down to wee at home, I don’t know why, he just prefers it (but then he’s a tradesman and many a time also has to wee in a bottle in his van, so there’s that)

    How strange, I don’t care whether you sit or stand to wee, just don’t wee on the seat. And for those men who complain sitting on the seat is unhygienic…this is why a lot of women hover.
    And why don’t more women wee standing up? Because it’s difficult to aim, and women’s toilets don’t have troughs…. 😀

    Reply

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