‘Twas the Night Before Statins

      52 Comments on ‘Twas the Night Before Statins

I wrote this a couple of years ago, but I’m reposting it for the newer readers.
Happy Holidays — Tom

‘Twas the night before statins, and all through the land
Our lipids were lethal, as we’d soon understand.
Our eggs were all stacked in the fridge with great care
In hopes they’d be scrambled, or fried if we dare.

The children were calm and well-fed in their beds,
While visions of sausages danced in their heads.
The dads, mostly lean, and wives often thinner
Had just settled down for a porterhouse dinner.

When out in the world there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their plates to see what was the matter,
And what on the cover of TIME should appear,
But an arrogant scientist, peddling fear.

Cheers and belief from an ignorant press
Gave a luster of truth to the new, biased mess.
So away to the doctor we flew in a pack,
In hopes of a plan to end heart attacks.

He was dressed in all white from his neck to his butt
(which conveniently hid the size of his gut).
He sat us all down for a well-meaning chat:
“More carbohydrates — avoid all that fat!”

So sugars and starches we passed through our lips,
Only to wear them on bellies and hips.
Our hearts with their plaques continued to swell,
We grew diabetic and weren’t feeling well.

The doctor announced it was likely our fault —
We were, after all, still eating salt.
“But there’s no other option,” he said with shrug,
And pulled out his pad to prescribe some new drugs.

“Now Crestor! Now Zocor! Then Lipitor next!
Now Lipex! Now Lescol, and best take Plavix!
To the depths of the liver! To the artery wall!
Force it down, force it down, foul cholesterol!”

Our appetites crazed, we soon looked like blimps.
Our children lost focus, our manhood went limp.
The doctor examined joints now wracked with pain
And concluded the patients were old or insane.

He chose Celebrex for muscles that ache,
And added Cialis to the drugs we should take.
“Now stick to your diet, and be of good cheer,
If this doesn’t work, I’ll do lap-band next year!”

Share

52 thoughts on “‘Twas the Night Before Statins

  1. Jon

    I had to post this due to its hilarity. I work at a hospital where dieticians push diabetics to eat whole wheat toast and doctors recommending low fat diets. A nurse just walked by me and casually said, “Ugh…I don’t know why I’m so hungry! I even had a big bowl of oatmeal before I left. I should have had an orange, too.” I didn’t say anything, but was sarcastically replying in my head, “Yeah, go ahead, that will help.” If you pay attention closely, it’s amazing what people withtin the medical community will say about food and health on a daily basis.

    Maybe she should have had my breakfast of 3 fried eggs, 4 strips of bacon, and some mixed berries with heavy whipping cream before she left. I don’t feel hungry in the slightest.

    Real food has that wonderful ability to makes us feel really full for a really long time.

    Reply
  2. Jon

    I had to post this due to its hilarity. I work at a hospital where dieticians push diabetics to eat whole wheat toast and doctors recommending low fat diets. A nurse just walked by me and casually said, “Ugh…I don’t know why I’m so hungry! I even had a big bowl of oatmeal before I left. I should have had an orange, too.” I didn’t say anything, but was sarcastically replying in my head, “Yeah, go ahead, that will help.” If you pay attention closely, it’s amazing what people withtin the medical community will say about food and health on a daily basis.

    Maybe she should have had my breakfast of 3 fried eggs, 4 strips of bacon, and some mixed berries with heavy whipping cream before she left. I don’t feel hungry in the slightest.

    Real food has that wonderful ability to makes us feel really full for a really long time.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.