More Comments About Comments

This is going to be a busy week.  I’ve got a programming project to finish, plus three nights of play rehearsals — and we’re supposed to be getting “off-book,” meaning no more holding the script in your hands.  Since I’m no longer working with awful little theater groups in Hollywood, the actors are actually memorizing the play, as opposed to tossing out phrases that sort of capture the gist of the original dialog. 

In retrospect, I realize Hollywood is a bit like American Idol:  Yes, it attracts some of the best actors in the world, but it also attracts some of the worst, drawn by dreams of stardom.  It’s a pleasure to be working with actors who perform in plays simply because they enjoy theater, not because they hope they’ll be discovered by an agent.  That’s how it was in Chicago.

But I digress.  Since I didn’t want to spend a day researching and writing a full post, I thought I’d share more priceless comments that have been left on the blog by auto-spammers … the ones that are in English, anyway.  At least 90 percent of the spam comments I receive are in Russian. 

Someone suggested that I try the askimet plug-in for WordPress to fitler out the spam, and it works pretty well, although I occasionally find a genuine comment in the spam folder.  If you’ve left a comment recently that never showed up, that’s what happened.

Here are more recent comments, in all their misspelled glory.  The comments are in italics; my replies aren’t.

(Health Prevention) punctilious post. due one decimal where I quarrel with it. I am emailing you in detail.

I’ve identified the misplaced decimal that ignited our quarrel.  I said a Big Gulp is 44.0 ounces.  They, are in fact, up to 440 ounces these days, but the Corn Refiners Association has assured me a 440-ounce soda is still a healthy drink because it’s sweetened with corn.

(No-Bologna Facts) If you are in any job fields which need a lot of interaction with people, a degree in psychology definitely can help you to achieve your goal.

Perhaps I should get a degree in psychology.  It might help me understand how scientists can witness lipid profiles improve on a high-fat, ketogenic diet and then conclude that a fatty diet will kill you.  Something to do with traumatic toilet training, perhaps?

(Jimmy Moore Interview With Dr. Malcolm Kendrick)  I’m a lawyer.

I’m sure it took a lot of courage to admit that.  All I can suggest is going to confession … better book the priest for a couple of days.

(Jimmy Moore Interview With Dr. Malcolm Kendrick)  Speak slower, louder, quieter!

I hate to break this to you after you’ve wasted so many hours holding your ear up to the monitor, but my posts don’t actually talk.  If you’re hearing voices while viewing this site, you should stop consuming processed vegetable oils, then get in touch with the guy selling degrees is psychology. 

(Jimmy Moore Interview With Dr. Malcolm Kendrick)  I feel very sorry!

That’s a good start.  Say three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, then close your law practice and seek a more socially useful career … like, say, as a Wal-Mart greeter.

(Fried food Is Tasteless)  Your topic Winky Blinky Lights Off The Broiler was interesting when I found it on Sunday searching for low carb vegetarian diet.

You may have missed it, but I wrote a retraction to that post.  While Winky Blinky Lights are indeed free of animal products, I got an earful from some professional chefs, who informed me Winky Blinky Lights should never be broiled.  The preferred cooking method is baking in a convection oven.

(The Alzheimer’s Project) How in the world did I miss that?

You’ve watched it every day for the past two months, Dad.  Get off mom’s computer now.

(Jimmy Moore’s Blogiversary) I must say, I could not agree with you in 100%.

You’re not alone in your partial agreement.  Some of my readers believe Jimmy Moore is a real person, others believe somebody had a blogiversary, but few of them believe Jimmy Moore is a real person and also had a blogiversary.

(Parting Comments About Comments) Hi all, I have published some informatons focused on alberghi bologna. The ideas are similar to yours but there are some more images.

If you can stuff more bologna in your mouth than I did, I’d like to see those images.

(Health Prevention) Apologize for my bad english, I over its a gracious drama of your writing. Kind-heartedly I be suffering with faced alot of difficulties in this term but your article will definately eschew me in future.

I warned that article over and over not to eschew people, but it’s got some kind of anti-immigrant phobia.  I’ve tried reminding it that it’s directly descended from Gutenberg’s press and would’ve been written in German if not for immigration, but to no avail.

(Bonus footage: Sugar and Starch)  Congratulations, you have just visited a brilliant idea!

I saw that same sign as I was leaving the capitol building in Washington D.C.  Between you and me, I’m not sure it was such a good idea after all.

(Bonus Footage: Frankenstein Fats)  It sounds like you’re creating problems yourself by trying to solve this issue instead of looking at why their is a problem in the first place.

I believe you have me confused with someone from the Center For Science in the Public Interest.

(Bonus Footage:  Frankenstein Fats) Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?

Lots of bloggers wanted to write about my bonus interview footage on frankentstein fats, but just didn’t get around to it.  I finally decided somebody should.

(Interview on Examiner.com)  Looking for drunk lesbians?

I admit, when I was young and stupid, I believed women found me more attractive if they were drunk.  Turns out I had the whole equation backwards.  But in either case, a woman would have to drink a heck of a lot to mistake me for another woman.

(It’s the Carbs, Not the Calories) my God, i thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it with ‘we leave it to you to decide’.

That’s been a problem for me ever since I started this blog:  I’m hesitant to express my opinions.  I’ll work on it.

(Parting Comments about Comments) You made some good points there.  I did a search on the topic and found most people will agree.

Several national polls concluded that most people agree with my comments about comments.  The exception was working mothers with children in preschool, who believe I should focus more on the economy.

(Cheaper Health Care)  How do you spell your surname? 

I use letters these days.  I gave up using symbols after some embarrassing profiling incidents involving airport security.

(Parting Comments about Comments) my God, i thought you were going to chip in with some decisive insght at the end there, not leave it with ‘we leave it to you to decide’.

I know, I know … I really wanted to take a firm stand on this one, but chickened out because I was worried I’d lose even more of the working-mothers-with-preschoolers demographic.

(Exercise Bologna) Your topic MARYLAND BASKETBALL was interesting when I found it on Thursday searching for college basketball shorts. 

I admit, even though I have no interest in either Maryland or basketball, there’s just something about Maryland basketball that inspires me to write about it.  By the way, your basketball shorts are in the top drawer of your dresser, behind your black socks.  I asked your mom.

(Hating Fat People Is Bologna)  Stuffing something in your mouth and trying to get a good night’s sleep just doesnt make sense.

That explains why my thumb-sucking four-year-old keeps waking up every 12 hours or so.

(Interview on Examiner.com)  We have horse porn online.

My horse rarely uses his computer.  And when he does, I usually catch him looking at pictures of peeled carrots.

(Bonus Footage:  Diets and Hunger)  I have a two-pack, trying to make it to six.

I you can turn two beers into six, you’ll make a lot of friends and perhaps even found a new religion.  I always had the opposite problem:  I turned six-packs into two-packs. 

(Margarine and Mother Nature) Are you serfing for lesbians?

Sadly, I’ve come to accept that lesbians aren’t interested in me, no matter how long I toil on their lands.  But after three Long Island Iced Teas, one of them suggested I’m not completely revolting.

(Mini-post: Interview on Examiner.com)  To be useful, aerobic exercise requires maintaining normal good sleep hygiene.

I’ll start showering before bed and see if it helps.

(Jimmy Moore’s blogiversary)  I enjoyed this very much.  Do you mind if I ask for your email address?

Not at all.  Send me an email and I’ll include it in my reply.

(Margarine and Mother Nature)  Do you have a girlfriend?  

No.  My wife is rather opinionated about who I choose for friends — although she recently decided it’s okay for me to watch football with drunk lesbians.

(Interview on Examiner.com)  Accidental public nudity!

That can be an unfortunate side effect of rapid weight loss.  If you can’t afford tighter pants, I’d suggest investing in some suspenders.  If you can’t afford tighter pants or suspenders, then at least avoid foods that make you sneeze in public.

(Jane Brody’s Cholesterol Headache.)  Thank you so much for sharing this information. Cholesterol is indeed very harmful to the heart. It is the cause of 90% of heart attacks.

You apparently have a near-total inability to comprehend the actual meaning and clear intention of the documents you read.  I suspect you’ll be appointed to the Supreme Court as soon as there’s another vacancy.