Since working full-time, taking on side projects, blogging, hanging out with the family and writing a book doesn’t keep me busy enough, I thought maybe I’d start a new web site called ExLowCarbers.com.  The idea would be to “out” any traitors to the cause.  Visitors to the site could, say, click a state on a map of the U.S. and see names and descriptions of ex-low-carbers who live there.  Then, of course, the angry visitors find the traitors in cyberspace and shame them.  I’ll even add the first listing myself: my buddy Richard Nikoley in California.

If that sounds like an incredibly stupid idea, it’s only because it’s incredibly stupid idea.  Since I’m not a nutcase, I don’t get upset if Richard does some experimenting and finds that a higher-carb diet works better for him.  More power to him.  He also doesn’t get upset that I’ve found a low-carb, starch-free diet works best for me.

If only everyone were so sane.  A couple of days ago, the aforementioned Richard Nikoley tweeted (in his characteristic colorful language) a link to a site that “outs” ex-vegans.  The banner reads:

Vegan Sellout List

Calling Ex-Vegans Out By Name

Visitors are invited to submit information about ex-vegans to add to the list.  Out of curiosity, I read some listings:

Chris Kresser: Vegan turned paleo guy. Runs a website about paleo topics. Now eats pure murder.

Bob Harper, former star on The Biggest Loser: This TV star felt his body was craving something. So like most weak-willed people, he went for the cheese. Oh but he loves his dog. Really. Hates cows, but his dog…

Naw, Bob probably just pretends those cows are Jillian Michaels before plunging a knife into them.

Angelo Orozco: Used to be vegan, but started eating meat when he opened his own Crossfit gym.

Hmmm … so it seems people become ex-vegans when they discover paleo works better for them, or start craving animal products, or open a gym and want to be strong.  Those sound like people who are listening to their bodies instead of adhering to dogma.

Actually, if Chris Kresser is on the list, I’d kind of like to be there too.  I wonder how long you have to be a vegan to sell out?  During my vegetarian days, I went all-vegan for about a month.  (I still have nightmares about the vegan cheesecake I tried to eat before throwing it away.)  Perhaps I can report myself and get listed.

Here are some quotes from the Our Mission page:

Our mission to is provide an outlet for the unbalanced rage of the creator.  It was either that or go take an axe to the meat aisle in my local Kroger.

Okay, I made that one up.  Here are the real quotes:

If you’re no longer vegan, you’re going on the list.

Boy, I bet that scares ‘em silly.  I wonder if the FBI could be persuaded to expand the witness protection program to include people on the ex-vegan list.  I’m picturing ex-vegans and ex-mobsters playing poker together in an undisclosed location somewhere in Nebraska.  (They’d be eating pastrami sandwiches, naturally.)

The spirits of the billions murdered have risen to deliver: The Vegan Sellout List – an online directory of those who have regressed from moral consistency to moral depravity.

If you believe the spirits of dead animals rose up and helped create your site, I’d suggest you eat a couple of eggs.  Your brain is seriously deficient in cholesterol.

The Vegan Sellout List is our answer to the epidemic of vegan sellouts – those who are aware of the suffering caused by meat, dairy, egg, fur, and leather production, yet choose to look away while the animals suffer.

Look away?  Nope.  I look right at my chickens when I collect their eggs.  Sometimes I yell, “Look!  I’m taking away your children!”  I’ll look right at them when they stop laying eggs and end up in the soup pot.  I looked right at the raccoon that killed their hen-house mates — that’s how you aim a rifle, after all.

Selling out veganism is a trend on the upswing, bringing with it swarms of haughty, nose-turning carnists uttering nonsensical buzzwords re: veganism being “privileged”, or “trendy”, critiquing themselves into ethical degeneracy and paleo-terrorism.

Uh, wait a minute … if veganism is everything the vegan zealots say it is (the key to superior health, etc.), why the heck would abandoning veganism be a “trend on the upswing”?  Perhaps it’s because a lot of people try being vegans and then say to themselves, “Man, I feel like @#$%!  I’m ordering a steak!”

To those who have regressed from veganism, yet display symptoms of a soul not fully blackened to it’s core, we ask you to remind yourself why you were what you were.

Boy, wouldn’t whoever wrote that be a fun person to hang around with?  I’m reminded of a joke:

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That’s NOT FUNNY, you @#$%ing MURDERER!!!

Now, before all you non-preachy vegetarians with a good sense of humor go diving into the comments section to set me straight, allow me to beat you to it:  yes, I know you’re not all like that.  In a post awhile back, I wrote about a vegan I knew in Los Angeles who not only wasn’t preachy, her live-in boyfriend ate meat – just not in the house.  He ordered bacon when I joined them for breakfast at a restaurant.

But if you’re honest, you have to admit that the vegan/vegetarian crowd (especially the vegan crowd) has more than its share of humorless zealots.  Look what happened when a restaurant chain dared to make a joke in one of it commercials:

Are vegetarians humorless? It’s the question being asked this week after a Red Robin television ad offended herbivores by touting its 24 types of burgers and then noting, with an implied eye roll and mock whisper, “We even have a Gardenburger—just in case your teenage daughter is going through a phase.”

The commercial, part of a new campaign ad series, aired for about a week before being rotated out, as was planned from the start. But it prompted outrage among activists and on social media outlets, with a slew of horrified vegetarians taking the eatery to task for its condescending approach.

Horrified?  Seriously?  Let’s suppose the Red Robin commercial had ended with “We even have a double burger wrapped in lettuce – just in case your middle-aged husband is going through a ‘caveman’ phase.”  Can you imagine Mark Sisson, or Robb Wolf, or Loren Cordain, or Jimmy Moore becoming outraged over that remark?  I’m pretty sure they’d chuckle.  I know I would.

“Though I applaud any fast food chain that offers a veggie burger, and I hope that more do, the idea that not eating animals is reserved solely for teenage girls going through a phase is obviously meant to insult both vegans and girls,” Jasmin Singer, executive director of Our Hen House, a New York-based multimedia vegan activism organization, told Yahoo! Shine.

There’s the difference again:  I don’t believe there are any paleo activism organizations.

As for Red Robin promoting the stereotype that vegans tend to be teenage girls, gee, I wonder if there’s a reason for that stereotype?  If we only we had some statistics …

Oh, wait – we do.  According to this vegan website, 78% of the vegans in the U.S. are female, and 69% became a vegan by the age of 24.  People didn’t come up with the notion that vegans tend to be young and female out of thin air.  As a comedian, I can assure you that if Red Robin’s little joke didn’t have the ring of truth to it, it wouldn’t be funny.

Of course, if years of veganism caused your funny bone to wither away …

“My husband and I used to get your Gardenburger—but after your insulting ad, you have lost our business,” wrote one woman on the restaurant’s Facebook page, echoing the comments of an ever-growing slew of others. “I will never visit your restaurant again.”

One again, try to imagine me responding like that if Red Robin had made a joke about middle-aged men going through a “caveman” phase.

But can’t vegetarians just loosen up and realize it’s all in good fun?

Don’t be silly.  See my joke above.

It was a question tackled by animal advocate and vegan blogger Katrina Donovan Fleming in a June 11 essay, “Just a Joke: Confessions of a ‘Humorless Vegan,’” on Our Hen House.

“Exclusionary humor and its acerbic aftertaste are nothing new, of course. Think of all the jokes that are based in racism. The dumb blond jokes. Antigay jokes. This type of humor is a not-so-subtle way of communicating to one’s companions: ‘We’re better,’” she observes.

Yes, I can see why you take these things so seriously.  I remember the shameful period in our nation’s history when vegetarians weren’t allowed to drink from public fountains and had to ride in the back of the bus.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least twice:  some people are only happy when they’re offended.  It makes them feel important, especially if they can also convince themselves they’re being persecuted.

On a positive note for the vegan crowd, PETA is praising the baseball stadium in Philadelphia for being the most “vegetarian-friendly” of all the major league parks:

PETA cites “the unequaled meat-free chicken steak, followed closely by the unique and delicious vegetarian pit-beef barbecue. Other tantalizing cruelty-free treats include faux beef steak, a veggie dog, a black-bean burger, a vegetarian burrito, and calcium-rich hummus and pretzels. The fresh salads and fruit cups are perfect for fans looking for lighter fare.”

Meat-free chicken, barbecue, steaks and hot dogs.  Interesting choices.

Note to the angry little pissant who created ExVegans.com:  here’s why selling out on veganism is a “trend on the upswing”:  nobody ever walked into a barbecue joint to order a rack of ribs and said, “By the way, can you make those things taste just like tofu?”

And yes, that’s funny.

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104 Responses to “Why People Hate Vegans, Part Two”
  1. I think veganism appeals to young females because it’s the socially acceptable form of anorexia. Then after a while the brain stops working properly and you have an emotional, rage-filled activist. Then maybe the body says “Wake Up!” by trying to kill them, and you get a balanced, meat-eating target of other veganorexic activists.
    Who else does this to their own? Islamists, that’s who.

    • Walter Bushell says:

      Hey, many people from all religions will shun you if you leave and the polite ones will merely tell you you are going to Hell.

    • Phocion Timon says:

      “…the brain stops working properly and you have an emotional, rage-filled activist.” Perfect. That simple statement explains many facets of vegans/vegetarians. I will be stealing this in the future.

  2. Bill C. says:

    I noticed there is only one person listed on that site from Ohio. They’d like you to believe that most vegans from Ohio remain vegans. True be told the one that they listed is/was the only vegan from Ohio and she had the good sense to change her ways.

    They probably just haven’t had enough people in Ohio “out” their friends.

  3. Rick says:

    Ok, so let me understand this…..2 VEGANS, who never eat meat, are going to stop eating at Red Robin (which predominately serves meat)??? Yeah, that’ll really stick it to the folks at Red Robin.

    I doubt Reb Robin is concerned.

  4. Lissa says:

    A friend of mine went vegan after seeing a truck filled with chicken on the way to the slaughter house. It broke her heart to think that she was seeing these creatures in their last moments of life, a life spend caged up in their own mess. Yeah, she’s quite the delicate little flower …

    Anyway, after catching a cold that wouldn’t go away for weeks, she finally went to the doctor. He ran a bunch of blood tests and other stuff …. and told her if she stayed a vegan, she was headed to some serious health problems. Further testing was done, and sure enough, her labs are all over the place and ugly as can be.

    She posted about this on Facebook, bless her heart … and is now being absolutely savaged by all the people who had been supporting her and sharing recipes and stuff when she was vegan. It’s quite ugly …

    We could have predicted that response.

    • Walter Bushell says:

      I thought we did, actually.

      And now a question from my nasty mind:

      Must Christian Vegans reject the Eucharist?

      • AndreaLynnette says:

        You’re unlikely to find a Christian Vegan. The groups just don’t overlap much. Also, the Eucharist/Communion bread is made of flour and oil. It can be made perfectly vegan-friendly.

        I am a Celiac, so I bring my own bread for communion. If you’re a member of a church that believes in a literal transfiguration (mine doesn’t, btw), you can bring your dietary-restricted bread to the priest/preacher/pastor ahead of time and they’ll do the blessing thing with the other breads that are used for the rest of the congregation.

        • Michael says:

          I’m going to be that guy and say that, for the record, the term you were looking for is “transubstantiation.”

    • Nowhereman says:

      Lissa, who is this friend of yours and what is the URL for her blog? I’m curious now to read it.

  5. Tony Mach says:

    There is a (very good) explanation of the evolutionary purpose(s) of humor:

    http://parakoch.blogspot.com/2012/03/daniel-dennett-hurley-model-of-humor.html

    In the second talk linked above, Dan Dennett outlines under what circumstances some topics are considered to be “not funny” – I think it it applies to vegans.

    Interesting stuff. I never thought of myself as a clerk when I was doing standup.

  6. Susan says:

    Love it! I have a family-member-by-marriage who is a die-hard vegan (yep, young, female) and every event she throws that we must attend (i.e. her kid’s birthdays, etc.) is top-heavy with her vegan friends. Yep, they call us meat-eaters “murderers” yet not one – NOT ONE – had a thing to say about the grisly murders of babies that had survived abortion in the Gosnell house of horrors (the spine snipping witnessed by nurses) etc. etc. etc. etc. I am not being political here, just pointing out the insane hypocrisy of people who think eating a egg is murderous while trumpeting what they now call “after-birth abortion” – because, hey, if you paid for a dead baby, you darn well better get one!).

    Vegans remind me of the southern Baptists during the Civil War who screamed about card-playing and dancing with nay a word about slavery.

    • Trish says:

      They also don’t care about the treatment of immigrant children picking their beans for their faux burgers, or the kids that work in the sweatshops making their Vans and Abercrombie & Fitch clothing.

  7. Marilyn says:

    @ Lissa. Sounds like we need an online support group. RVA. Recovering Vegans Anonymous. Anonymous, because they don’t need any more abuse from their “friends.”

    There is that little problem, yes.

  8. Colleen says:

    As a former 16-year-old vegan, and current 35-year-old cave girl–I laughed out loud!
    (I hope my current “phase” sticks. I feel so much better, and heavens, I love meat!!)

    I predict it’s a lifelong phase.

  9. Justin McCullough says:

    If the average ball park go-er sees that their traditional treats are replaced with toe-fu, I think they would “never visit…again”. I know I would if I ordered BBQ and got some weird plant extract…

    I assume the vegan foods are offered as alternatives, not replacements.

  10. Anne says:

    Red Robin may lose a few vegetarian customers over their commercial….but they are the only place I’ve come across that have a REALLY GOOD gluten-free hamburger bun. To heck with those picky vegans! Come one, come all, gluten-intolerents and celiacs! We now have a burger place…and they make DAMN good burgers!! WOOT! ;-)

    I’ve never been to one. I’m not sure they’re in my area, but I haven’t looked either.

  11. Kristin says:

    I just have to chuckle at the timeliness of this article. I was at a camping festival this weekend for summer solstice and seeing lots of people I don’t get to see more than once a year. One couple I haven’t seen in several years (and they are long time low fat vegetarians.) I got a LOT of compliments on my improved appearance and therefore found myself speaking a fair bit about my diet change.

    One of those conversations was with this couple. And the other person in the group was another friend who is also a lifetime vegetarian. Now all three of these people are lean and healthy. Their diets work for them. None of them are vegans so they get some of the nutrients that vegans miss. I have always thought that there is certainly more than one diet that is correct but it sure seems to me that the low-fat meat-free paradigm works well for a small number of people. However, the rest of us have been told doggedly that we must follow that same diet and if we don’t get good results it is our fault.

    I have no intention of making the same mistake as the low-fat dogma folks. My friends are happy and healthy and are thrilled that I am happy and healthy finally. I realize I do support vegetarianism as a lifestyle if it isn’t the vegan variety; it just isn’t how I need to eat. In may experience every vegan I know is indeed rather dour and humorless and don’t seem to notice. I feel fortunate that none of them spend any energy on berating me for eating meat and I have no intention of similarly vocalizing my own opinion on the subject. I’m quite sure that as usual a vocal fringe minority tends to taint an entire sub-culture.

    Agreed. Name almost any diet, it works well for someone. The problem is when the someone decides that the diet that’s working for him must therefore work for everyone else too.

  12. Mike says:

    That’s funny… red robin lost me as a customer… i used to frequent red robin… but I don’t like them anymore… just because I don’t like the quality of their meat… they just don’t taste as fresh and meaty as a burger joint like Five Guys… Red Robin’s got a bunch of different creative topping combinations, but their meat is weak… good post…

    recently had a friend give up on veganism… she’s pretty religious and stated that it was a spiritual battle… satan was trying to kill her and Jesus saved her… for the religious out there… God told Peter to eat meat… even “common” animals…

  13. Anna says:

    I just went over and added myself to the list. The more the merrier!

  14. Amy says:

    I have an aunt who’s been vegetarian for years. She was always fighting her weight and dieting (low-fat/calorie, of course.) She recently discovered she’s pre-diabetic, cut out a lot of carbs and is now finally slim, much to her delight. She does complain, though, that she has trouble finding anything she can actually eat. Sigh.

    Well, she chose the restriction of being a vegetarian.

  15. scott says:

    Tom have you ever heard this song since you talk about the sterotype of young vegan girls, I guess there’s a reason sterotypes exist. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGZMyVhC3rc

    Got to be the most politically incorrect song I’ve ever heard. Very funny too.

  16. Ghost says:

    Well, the site’s down now, apparently they were dolling out threats as well.

  17. Martí says:

    The sites just kids stuff, they’ve got their own law enforcement too………. :D

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLpCZ8g5uK8

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