I’m posting this again this year due to popular demand … meaning at least one reader requested it. Happy Holidays — Tom

‘Twas the night before statins, and all through the land
Our lipids were lethal, as we’d soon understand.
Our eggs were all stacked in the fridge with great care
In hopes they’d be scrambled, or fried if we dare.

The children were calm and well-fed in their beds,
While visions of sausages danced in their heads.
The dads, mostly lean, and wives often thinner
Had just settled down for a porterhouse dinner.

When out in the world there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their plates to see what was the matter,
And what on the cover of TIME should appear,
But an arrogant scientist, peddling fear.

Cheers and belief from an ignorant press
Gave a luster of truth to the new, biased mess.
So away to the doctor we flew in a pack,
In hopes of a plan to end heart attacks.

He was dressed in all white from his neck to his butt
(which conveniently hid the size of his gut).
He sat us all down for a well-meaning chat:
“More carbohydrates — avoid all that fat!”

So sugars and starches we passed through our lips,
Only to wear them on bellies and hips.
Our hearts with their plaques continued to swell,
We grew diabetic and weren’t feeling well.

The doctor announced it was likely our fault –
We were, after all, still eating salt.
“But there’s no other option,” he said with shrug,
And pulled out his pad to prescribe some new drugs.

“Now Crestor! Now Zocor! Then Lipitor next!
Now Lipex! Now Lescol, and best take Plavix!
To the depths of the liver! To the artery wall!
Force it down, force it down, foul cholesterol!”

Our appetites crazed, we soon looked like blimps.
Our children lost focus, our manhood went limp.
The doctor examined joints now wracked with pain
And concluded the patients were old or insane.

He chose Celebrex for muscles that ache,
And added Cialis to the drugs we should take.
“Now stick to your diet, and be of good cheer,
If this doesn’t work, I’ll do lap-band next year!”

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9 Responses to “‘Twas The Night Before Statins”
  1. Marilyn says:

    For all the (I’m sure intentional) appearances, he wasn’t a physician.

  2. Oly says:

    You wake up and sh*t excellence in the morning, don’t you? This is beyond clever. I can see it on youtube as a video now.

    LOL. Strangest compliment I’ve ever received.

  3. Elenor says:

    Merry Christmas, Tom (and family)

  4. Stefan says:

    Beautiful.

  5. Peggy Holloway says:

    Had a gathering at my sister’s house yesterday. She is now taking victozen (something like that) and her last Ha1c was 12. She does eat a low-carb diet, but admitted that she hates eating meat and can’t make herself eat fat, so she is resigned that she”will die from this disease.” She also informed that her husband is taking a statin. They still seem to think that their doctors have the knowledge and training to know what they are doing and that they have no choice but to do what the doctor prescribes.
    Ken’s Christmas present to us was a glucose/ketone meter and we’re having fun playing with our new toy. My first am reading was 52 (Ken’s was 93, and I’m the one with the family history of “diabetes,” but he admitted to having indulged in some carbs yesterday while I did not). 2 hour post-prandial (artichoke/cheese frittata, bacon, and coconut butter bread) I was at 83 and Ken at 81 which might imply that I am more carb sensitive, but still pretty darn good! We plan to test ketones later in the day.

    Always good to test.

    Your glucose was 52?

  6. Peggy Holloway says:

    Yes, Tom. 52. And I am alive and breathing. I am usually in ketosis, so blood sugar can be pretty low. I’ll have to see if that was a fluke or remains that way. Post-prandial was higher – 80. I’m curious to see what evening ketone readings are.

    It struck me as a bit low, but if you feel fine, you feel fine.

  7. DJ says:

    Brilliant Tom… I must have missed this last year so I’m quite grateful you reposted it.

    Thank you.

  8. Edward says:

    Blood glucose levels as low as 9 mg/dl were measured on obese patients in the early 70s after they had been fasted for 60 days and had ketone levels of 5.5 to 9. They were given boluses of insulin in a hospital setting. They had no signs or symptoms of hypoglycemia.

    A pdf of the study is here:
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC332976/pdf/jcinvest00637-0253.pdf

  9. Kristin says:

    Just found this over a month too late for the season but still had a good laugh (cry as well.) Ha ha! You white coats won’t get me!!!

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