I wrote this a couple of years ago, but I’m reposting it for the newer readers.
Happy Holidays — Tom

‘Twas the night before statins, and all through the land
Our lipids were lethal, as we’d soon understand.
Our eggs were all stacked in the fridge with great care
In hopes they’d be scrambled, or fried if we dare.

The children were calm and well-fed in their beds,
While visions of sausages danced in their heads.
The dads, mostly lean, and wives often thinner
Had just settled down for a porterhouse dinner.

When out in the world there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their plates to see what was the matter,
And what on the cover of TIME should appear,
But an arrogant scientist, peddling fear.

Cheers and belief from an ignorant press
Gave a luster of truth to the new, biased mess.
So away to the doctor we flew in a pack,
In hopes of a plan to end heart attacks.

He was dressed in all white from his neck to his butt
(which conveniently hid the size of his gut).
He sat us all down for a well-meaning chat:
“More carbohydrates — avoid all that fat!”

So sugars and starches we passed through our lips,
Only to wear them on bellies and hips.
Our hearts with their plaques continued to swell,
We grew diabetic and weren’t feeling well.

The doctor announced it was likely our fault –
We were, after all, still eating salt.
“But there’s no other option,” he said with shrug,
And pulled out his pad to prescribe some new drugs.

“Now Crestor! Now Zocor! Then Lipitor next!
Now Lipex! Now Lescol, and best take Plavix!
To the depths of the liver! To the artery wall!
Force it down, force it down, foul cholesterol!”

Our appetites crazed, we soon looked like blimps.
Our children lost focus, our manhood went limp.
The doctor examined joints now wracked with pain
And concluded the patients were old or insane.

He chose Celebrex for muscles that ache,
And added Cialis to the drugs we should take.
“Now stick to your diet, and be of good cheer,
If this doesn’t work, I’ll do lap-band next year!”

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26 Responses to “‘Twas the Night Before Statins”
  1. I just wish the true-to-funny ratio weren’t so high.

  2. Peggy Cihocki says:

    This is awesome! LMAO.

  3. Peggy Cihocki says:

    But also sadly true.

  4. Chris B. says:

    Cute poem. I’d like it more if it weren’t an accurate rendition of so many American lives…..

    I gotta tell you Tom, you do excellent work in terms of educating readers like me on the virtues of a low carb/high fat diet I watched your movie roughly 8 mos. ago and have completely changed my outlook on diet and lifestyle. I didn’t have any weight to lose, but at 28 I feel confident knowing I’m making a positive impact on my (hopefully very long) life.

    I’m also ecstatic to hear you’re creating a follow-up to Fat Head that focuses more on the realities of nutrition, rather than an attack on Spurlock. While watching the film the first time, I did get the distinct impression I was watching two films in one. And frankly, the Spurlock attack wasn’t necessary and only served to date the film.

    Congratulations on your success and new home. Happy holidays, and keep fighting the good fight!

    It pretty much was two films in one. The health-and-fitness crowd prefers the second half by a wide margin, while my libertarian brethren tend to talk up part one in their reviews. I’m far more passionate about the health angle now, so that’s where I’ll focus future efforts.

  5. Howard says:

    A wonderful poem. I’d like to print it out and hang it on my office cube wall — with your permission, of course (you think the SOPA police would nail me if I link to it?).

    A Merry Low-Carb, High-Fat Holiday Season to you and yours.

    Permission granted.

  6. johnny says:

    That was a riot! LMAOF ;)

    Happy holidays to you.

  7. Beowulf says:

    It would be even funnier if it wasn’t so sadly true.

  8. Lori says:

    Merry Christmas! I hope that unlike George Bailey, you know all the good you’ve done.

    George Bailey didn’t have the advantage of receiving emails from fans. It is a wonderful life.

  9. LCNana says:

    Ho, Ho, Ho, Tom, what a good laugh. Gotta say I just porked back 4 (count ‘em four) chocolate treats and a large glass of red – what a wild ride tonight has been…as it’s tree trimmin’ time – but back tomorrow to the low carb way…hope you and your lovely wife, and sweet girls, are having a great time with family and friends. I’m making resolutions already for the New Year – low carb all the way! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  10. Grant says:

    Great job. I hate to be the bearer of bad news so close to the holiday, however. I don’t know if youre aware, but there is a poem that is almost identical to yours – same rhythm, same length, same “night before” theme – only instead of it being about statins, its about what happens before Christmas. You might have been ripped off here, Mr. Naughton. I hope not.

    That’s it; I’m filing a lawsuit.

  11. Gary McRiddle says:

    Brilliant. Minor change, *Celebrex

    Done, thanks.

  12. Bryan says:

    That was brilliant! Thank you for reposting that.
    keep doing what you do.

    Merry Christmas from Hawaii

  13. Judy B says:

    Brilliant!

  14. Chrisnpiggies says:

    Brilliant take on a classic Christmas poem!
    Thank you for following your instinct to make your documentary.
    You seriously have changed my life and how I see the world.
    Merry Christmas, wonderful New Year in your new homestead!

  15. Tom Nikkoka says:

    Outstanding Tom! Funny… Sad… True…

  16. Lynda NZ says:

    Love it :) We have just had to say no to statins – the cardiologist was most stunned. My husband said he was eating differently and was not wanting the statins thank you.

    Merry Christmas to you and your gorgeous girls (all three of them) from New Zealand.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  17. Stacie says:

    Hi Tom:
    Great poem! Dr. Steve Horvitz had this in his newsletter. For anyone in the New Jersey area, Dr. Horvitz is a great low-carb doctor. My husband saw him last week; he was great! We live in PA, but will drive the 90 minutes to see our new doc! Merry Christmas to you and your family!

    Can we clone him?

  18. Craig says:

    I’m struggling to get my dad off statins right now. For Christmas I got him your DVD (thanks for the fast shipping BTW) and I got my mom Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes and Overdosed America by John Abramson. Mom is a nurse, so convincing her is the key to convincing dad. I’m not sure if you’ve read Overdosed America but it makes a strong case against the widespread use of statins, and the fact that it was written by a doctor who teaches at Harvard Medical School makes it hard for people to dismiss it.

    I haven’t read that one yet. I just finished Anatomy of an Epidemic, which makes a similar case against psychiatric drugs.

  19. Awesome! Good thing that our low-ish carb red-nosed and red-faced folks can lead us out of this mess!

  20. Walter B says:

    A good one in the “You have to laugh, because it hurts too much to cry.” department.

  21. Barry says:

    Funny poem. Speaking of GCBC, it just came out in unabridged Audio form. Wonder how long it took to do the voice for that one?

    I was 2/3rds through the book and then I left it on a plane. Downloading the audio now. Thought I’d share this info with y’all.

    Happy New Year!

    Wow, that would be some book to tackle on audio.

  22. Joy says:

    Ah, but Tom, you seem to have treated all of the drugs equally, when it is now known that Pfizer’s “turbostatin”, Lipitor, is the leader of the pack.

    “Against odds, Lipitor became world’s top seller
    Savvy strategy gave Lipitor come-from-behind win over cholesterol leaders, then all drugs”
    http://finance.yahoo.com/news/against-odds-lipitor-became-worlds-080130310.html

    I guess you could call that a success story … except for the people taking it.

  23. Marilyn says:

    We’re not there yet. I know I’m taking this terrific post off-course here a bit . . . But every once in a while we read something that suggests there’s a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, etc., for the low carb understanding of health.

    Then I see something like this:

    On the back of a bag of Hersheys special dark chocolate kisses is a black box warning (well, actually a purple box). After extolling the virtues of the antioxidants in dark chocolate, they go on to warn that these kisses “should be enjoyed in moderation” because a serving contains 180 calories and [horrors] 12 grams of fat.

    There’s nary a whisper in that warning about the 21 grams of sugar!!

    I guess I won’t be retiring the blog anytime soon.

  24. Saultite says:

    Tom, thanks so very much for kicking off my 3 year journey into LC and everything related! It’s been an awesome, emotional and sometimes grueling road, but I really do think I wouldn’t have had the wonderful pregnancy and thriving 15 month old baby boy had I not found your site in January 2009. I waited patiently for Fat Head to be released… Anyhow, a very merry Christmas and joyous new year! All the best,
    Wanda

    Congratulations on the baby. Happy New Year to you and yours.

  25. Saultite says:

    Oh, I am considering retraining to become a nutritionist and hopefully overcome some of the madness, really help done people. You truly are an inspiration!

    Depending on the school, you may have to lie your way through your classes to get your grades, then practice what you know is actually true later. That’s what I’ve heard from some nutritionists.

  26. Jon says:

    I had to post this due to its hilarity. I work at a hospital where dieticians push diabetics to eat whole wheat toast and doctors recommending low fat diets. A nurse just walked by me and casually said, “Ugh…I don’t know why I’m so hungry! I even had a big bowl of oatmeal before I left. I should have had an orange, too.” I didn’t say anything, but was sarcastically replying in my head, “Yeah, go ahead, that will help.” If you pay attention closely, it’s amazing what people withtin the medical community will say about food and health on a daily basis.

    Maybe she should have had my breakfast of 3 fried eggs, 4 strips of bacon, and some mixed berries with heavy whipping cream before she left. I don’t feel hungry in the slightest.

    Real food has that wonderful ability to makes us feel really full for a really long time.

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