Interview With The Vampire (2011 Edition)

      33 Comments on Interview With The Vampire (2011 Edition)

I was recently contacted by a famous vampire (the subject of a book and later a movie) who told me he wanted to update his story. Somewhat hesitantly, I agreed to meet with him last night at a local pub. Here’s our interview: 

Fat Head:  I appreciate you agreeing to meet in a crowded public place.

Vampire:  I thought you’d feel more at ease if we weren’t alone.

Fat Head:  I do. I’d feel even more at ease if they served True Blood here.

Vampire:  Unfortunately, that’s pure fiction. There is no True Blood or any other synthetic blood we can drink, although I like the TV show very much. It’s nice to be portrayed as the good guys for a change.

Fat Head:  Good guys, yes, but also good guys who happen to be muscular and attractive, which I’m sure doesn’t hurt the ratings any. In fact, in pretty much all the TV shows and movies I’ve seen about vampires, you’re portrayed as these sleek, strong, sexy creatures. Which … uh … well, never mind.

Vampire:  Go ahead, ask me the question.

Fat Head:  I’m not sure how to put this …

Vampire:  Don’t be afrrraid.

Fat Head:  Cool accent! Very Bela Lugosi.

Vampire:  I’ve had a lot of time to practice. Now ask me the question.

Fat Head:  Well … you’re not exactly what I envisioned. I mean, I expected the pale complexion. But frankly, the pot belly, the bad posture, the sunken eyes, the missing teeth, the limp hair … you don’t exactly fit the Hollywood image.

Vampire:  Not anymore, no. The truth is, I’m sick. A lot of us are sick. That’s really why I wanted to meet with you: to ask you to convince the humans to stop making us sick.

Fat Head:  But you’re a vampire! You can’t get sick. I could jam a poison-tipped knife in your belly, and all you’d have to do is go drink some human’s blood, and … oh, I see.

Vampire:  Exactly. Most human blood these days is just awful. You people have completely screwed up our food supply. And like I said, there’s no such thing as True Blood.

Fat Head:  So with all the diabetics and pre-diabetics walking around these days, it’s hard to find —

Vampire:  Hey, we used to love finding diabetics with all that sweet, sugary blood. But they were rare, so we saved them for desserts and special occasions. Now they’re everywhere, so the sugar content in our diets has gone through the roof.  And it’s not like we chose to do this ourselves, you know.

Fat Head:  I had no idea high blood sugar could harm a vampire.

Vampire:  Neither did we, until we had to start living on the stuff.

Fat Head:  So I guess you could say feeding on modern humans really sucks, huh?

Vampire:  What are you, a comedian?

Fat Head:  Well, actually —

Vampire:  It isn’t funny being sick when you’re immortal. At least you humans can die and be out of your misery. If I lose my toes, I’ll be limping around for eternity.

Fat Head:  I’m sorry, I didn’t know. What kind of ailments are we talking about here?

Vampire:  You can pretty much guess, since you write about the effects of high blood sugar all the time. Organ failure, obesity, tooth decay.

Fat Head:  Tooth decay? I can see where that would present quite a problem.

Vampire:  Yeah, not to mention it’s embarrassing. I have a friend who jumped some woman outside a singles bar a few weeks ago, and when he tried to sink his last two remaining teeth into her neck, they popped out.

Fat Head:  So he wasn’t able to feed on her?

Vampire:  Naw, the poor schmuck ended up gumming her on the neck. All he got out of it was her phone number.

Fat Head:  Pity.

Vampire:  There’s even a booming market for vampire dentures now. How pathetic is that?

Fat Head:  And you’re telling me a vampire’s organs can fail too?

Vampire:  Are you kidding me? Lousy blood is lousy blood, period. We’ve even got vampires going blind.

Fat Head:  So you could say they’re —

Vampire:  And if you make any “blind as a bat” jokes, I’ll tear your heart out. And I don’t mean in a bad love-song sort of way.

Fat Head:  Uh … right. But here’s what I don’t understand: why don’t you and your kind just limit yourselves to feeding on the more nutrient-dense humans?

Vampire:  You think that never occurred to us? Most of us left the country for awhile and lived near people who ate more traditional diets. Unfortunately, the idiots in your government got together with the idiots in your sugar and grain industries and figured out how to export your food all over the world. There’s no escaping it.

Fat Head:  If I’m understanding you correctly, then, you’d like me to help convince humans to eat better food so you can eat better humans?

Vampire:  We don’t eat humans! What kind of animals do you think we are?

Fat Head:  Okay, drink from better humans. The point is —

Vampire:  Look, we’re going to feed on you either way. There’s no reason we shouldn’t all be healthier. And think about this: you’re only one bite away from being one of us. If you don’t want to end up as a sick vampire, then don’t be a sick human.

Fat Head:  Can’t you spot the sick humans and just avoid eating — er, drinking from them?

Vampire:  We tried that. Sure, you can stay away from the obviously obese people. We’ve always done that anyway, except during the holiday season. The trouble is, even skinny people are walking around with high blood sugar these days. And half of them are taking some damned statin drug. Let me tell you, that’ll turn good blood into bad blood faster than anything.

Fat Head:  I hadn’t thought of that. Do statins cause you the same kind of muscle pain and weakness they cause in humans?

Vampire:  You know how strong vampires are supposed to be, right?

Fat Head:  Sure. Like super-humans.

Vampire:  Well, one of my progeny sucked up so many doses of Lipitor over the years, he went hunting one night and got his ass kicked by a teenage girl. Then she went to Hollywood and wrote a TV show about a teenage vampire slayer. Man, that really pissed us off. It wasn’t a fair fight.

Fat Head:  No, of course not.

Vampire:  Then you’ve got the cognitive side effects. I personally know two vampires who suffered from episodes of transient amnesia. One even forgot he was a vampire and decided to take a little stroll in the afternoon sun. Two minutes later he was rolling around on the sidewalk, sizzling like a steak and screaming, “Al Gore was right! Al Gore was right!”

Fat Head:  That must’ve been terrible.  In so many ways.

Vampire:  Indeed. So please, I’m just asking for one small favor here. You and the other health bloggers do whatever you can to help us return to our natural diet. Keep spreading the word. I mean, you felt better when you got off the grains and went back to meat and eggs, didn’t you?

Fat Head:  Much better. I feel stronger and healthier now than I did 20 years ago.

Vampire:  And you actually practice what you preach? No sugar, no grains, no rancid vegetable oils?

Fat Head:  Yes, that’s right. I’m pretty strict these days.

Vampire:  Hmm. Your blood must be exquisite.

Fat Head:  Well, I don’t want to brag, but the last time I had a checkup, the doctor said … Uh, excuse me, are you licking your lips?

Vampire:  Me? No.

Fat Head:  Good, because … you just did it again.

Vampire:  Nervous habit. Think nothing of it.

Fat Head:  Because I’m not really a bling-bling sort of guy, but I did take the precaution of wearing a silver necklace. See, under the t-shirt here?

Vampire:  Chill. I have no interest in attacking you. I want you to go home and tell everyone what I said.  A lot of living-dead people’s lives depend on it.

Fat Head:  I will. Thank you for your time.


33 thoughts on “Interview With The Vampire (2011 Edition)

  1. Melissa Martell

    Poor vampire!!
    I was really expecting a joke about sparkling and glittery vampires in that though!!!

    He didn’t appreciate my jokes and was still strong enough to kill me, despite his ailments.

  2. Ron_Mocci

    LOL …That is a Kool way to get to the point .. I post on FB, and it’s funny how no one reads 99.9% of what I put up ! It’s like they all think I’m a sick SOAB ..
    Thanks Tom…

    Most people think we’re all sick. They’ll be telling us we’re wrong when we’re 100 … or they’ll think we’re vampires.

  3. Markus

    Great read Tom,
    in this uncarbsane world it keeps one mentally stable.

    I wonder whether there are any vampire nutritionists, who smugly advise their
    fellow kind to just suck less blood and fly more


  4. Rahul

    Haha funny post, I kinda feel sorry for those vampires, they have it rough. Lol I have an idea you should trick those vampires into going after CSPI groups blood, drinking their blood would surely get rid of those annoying CSPI lawsuits and protests and at the same time all those CSPI groups health must be so bad that we can also get rid of those few remaining vampires (hence saving our own asses from getting bitten 😛 ) LOL anyways great post



    That would probably work. I don’t think The Guy From CSPI has any real blood left.

  5. Ginger

    I’m sure if there were vampire nutritionists and doctors, they’d be recommending that vampires stop drinking blood all together because it causes high cholesterol which would lead to heart disease and recommend switching to low fat (and more humane) alternatives, like orange juice.

    No doubt.

  6. Clyde

    Scary! I didn’t realize that my low carb diet made me such a delectable target. I’ll have to watch more carefully.


    When you’re out a night, try to look like someone who enjoys donuts.

  7. Felix

    I guess high blood sugar makes vampires sparkle. Actually, the theory that high blood sugar harms modern-day vampires would explain a lot of what happens in Twilight, actually.

    I haven’t seen Twilight, but I’ll take your word for it.

  8. john

    “Unfortunately, the idiots in your government got together with the idiots in your sugar and grain industries and figured out how to export your food all over the world.”

    Do you know some good sources for reading material (online or whatever) regarding this topic?

    The documentary “King Corn” covers the topic pretty well, as does Lierre Keith’s book “The Vegetarian Myth.” If you Google “America export subsidized grain” you’ll find more references than you could ever find time to read.

  9. Sally

    Very clever, hopefully with the vampire obsession going around people will pay attention.

    I have been following this blog for awhile, but never commented. Just wanted to let you know that I don’t know how you deal with educating people on this topic each and every day, I just had my first “arguing with idiots” moment today, at work no less….

    I spent 15 minutes arguing with someone about calories in/calories out. He was trying to convince me that the banana I was eating was much worse for me than his 90 calorie pack of “low-fat” cookies. I almost fainted. He told me that the amount of sugar in my banana greatly exceeds his calorie pack, and I should just have one of those as a snack if I am trying to lose weight (which I am not). Yummy….I love the taste of processed yuck cookies, aspartame and even more sugar! At the end, I just decided to stop wasting my time arguing with idiots…the best part is this guy is one of our lead engineers. I hope he knows more about that than he does about nutrition.

    At another time at this company, I was eating my cheese stick and a woman told me it would clog my arteries. Never mind that she was eating a bagel at the time.

    Keep up the good work, I love your blog and have recommended it to all the non-idiots I know =)

    As you discovered, nutritional beliefs are nearly as ingrained (pardon the pun) as political and religious beliefs. All you can do is offer information to those who are actually open to it.

  10. Galina L.

    It was a mistake to advertise your palateability to a vampire. On another hand, cannibal would be a worse choice.
    Just imagine a dispute between a vegan and a cannibal about who cares more about the environment.

    I’d bet on the cannibal. Their food doesn’t require monocrop farming.


    Did you have ‘Monster Mash’ playing in the background while writing this post?

    Can’t for the post about Frankenstein!

    No, but I was going through video footage from the past year and saw myself dressed up as a vampire while taking the girls trick-or-treating.

  12. nonegiven

    You should check out the last few Arlo and Janis comics on
    They started discussing the new dietary guidelines on Feb 23

    Ha, those are good.

  13. Lori

    The vampires need to start fermenting the blood before they drink it. If they listened to the Vincent A. Price Foundation, they’d know this.

    Until then, whenever I’m out, I’ll eat a cookie where everyone can see me.

    Would feeding on alcoholics give them fermented blood?

  14. Jan

    Okay, Lori – your comment, well, slayed me (gasping for breath, I’m laughing so hard). Who needs a wooden stake??

    “The Vincent A. Price Foundation” was classic.

  15. Clark

    “Then you’ve got the cognitive side effects. I personally know two vampires who suffered from episodes of transient amnesia. One even forgot he was a vampire and decided to take a little stroll in the afternoon sun. Two minutes later he was rolling around on the sidewalk, sizzling like a steak and screaming, ‘Al Gore was right! Al Gore was right!'”

    This is the best part of the interview. Thanks for sharing, Tom. Just be sure when you’re out of the house, Chareva has a box of silver bullets. =)

    I’ll make sure she’s properly armed.

  16. Erik

    I think the fat composition of meat might have changed over the years, so even your blood might taste a bit off, like when Coke switched from cane sugar to high fructose corn syrup.

    I was flipping through a 1964 edition of The Joy Of Cooking the other day, and noticed that the highest calorie meat listed was a slice of ham. A 4 inch by 4 inch by 1/2 inch slice “medium fat” was listed as 400 calories. Nowadays, pork is so lean that ham is diet food. I also noticed that white meat chicken and dark meat chicken had nearly the same calorie count, while now the white meat would be about 20% less than dark meat. It’s possible that their measurements were less accurate, but it’s also possible that animals have been selectively bred to be leaner over the years. At my local supermarket, there’s a brand of ground pork which is actually leaner than tofu.

    I was also intrigued by their grocery shopping advice. They recommended 4 pounds of meat per household member per week, 1/2 pound of fat and 3.5 pounds of “grain”. By “grain” they meant bread and pasta. I think nowadays if you try to feed your family 4 pounds of meat per week, Child Protective Services will take your kids away.

    They had some interesting takes on fat. They acknowledged that people are becoming more aware of the “dangers” of saturated fat, and they also mention that fat has more calories per gram than carbs / protein. However, they say that fat is more filling than carbs or protein because it “stays in the stomach longer” or something. Lately, when I’ve tried to research satiety, everyone seems to agree that protein is filling or fiber is filling, but fat is rarely mentioned as a filling food.

    The book warns that if you don’t get enough fat, that you will miss out on fat soluble vitamins. For instance, it says that skim milk is depleted of these vitamins. The sample menus for lunch and dinner almost always include a salad with full fat dressing. The book decries store-bought salad dressing. There is a recipe for fat-free salad dressing, and the book actually says it isn’t very good, but it’s being included for people who want to diet. The book also decries store-bought cake mix because they don’t contain enough fat. Powdered egg whites are used but not egg yolks, because the yolk would make the mix rancid. Powdered skim milk is used instead of powdered whole milk for the same reason. Add in the extra expense and the fact that making your own cake from scratch isn’t that hard, and the authors can’t imagine why anyone would bother with such a thing as a store-bought cake mix.

    I’ve heard that portion sizes are all out of whack these days and that’s a reason why we’re supposed to be overweight. Evidence of this is the fact that plates were smaller in the old days. However, looking through the book, it appears that they used more plates and that second / third helpings were commonplace and to be expected. Almost every lunch / dinner starts with a salad with full fat dressing, to be assembled table side in a dramatic presentation. Salads are to be tossed so that every single speck of lettuce is coated in oil, then vinegar is added, then more oil. Or you can whip up a batch of mayonnaise-based dressing instead. Presumably made with real mayonnaise – egg yolks mixed with oil.

    Funny how much dumber we got when the experts started educating us about nutrition. People probably did eat less back then because the food was more satisfying.

  17. Erik

    When looking at historical food consumption, it would be a mistake to overlook the fact that everyone used to smoke like chimneys. Many of the “naturally thin” people I know are heavy smokers, and one of the most frequent complaints I’ve heard from ex-smokers is that when they stopped smoking, they gained weight.

    40 years ago, people smoked everywhere – at the grocery store, at work, in restaurants. Some restaurants had ‘no smoking’ sections, but they were very small, and even sitting in a no smoking, your clothes would reek of cigarette smoke when you got home.

    Smoking is associated with many negative health benefits, but there are positive health benefits as well. Carbon monoxide inhibits blood clotting, which is a marker of inflammation. Smoking increases the likelihood of lung cancer, but decreases the likelihood of breast cancer. Smoking might also decrease the risk of Parkinson’s Disease and Alzheimer’s.

    It’s hard to tell, because there’s a severe lack of objective data. You might think fat and carbs are politicized, but it’s nothing compared to tobacco. The entire country is willing to switch from a high carb diet to a low carb diet every time Oprah gains or loses 5 pounds. Time Magazine’s cover could show a frowning bacon and eggs one issue and a frowning pile of candy or breakfast cereal the next. But any research scientist who asks if quitting smoking might have negative health consequences will get their funding yanked just for asking the question.

    The vampire in your analogy would certainly notice the altered taste of human blood from a decrease in tobacco consumption over the years, though I’m certain he could also tell the difference between caged corn-fed human blood and free range grass-fed human blood.

    Smokers weigh an average of 10 pounds less than non-smokers. That’s of course not a reason to take up smoking, but it’s a fact many health authorities don’t even like to mention.

  18. Josh Bandur, CPT

    Amazing!! I’m a personal trainer, certified with the American Council on Exercise and holding a degree in personal fitness and I was astounded by some of the things that you revealed in your movie. They don’t teach those things in school but I think that they should. Every semester they play the movie Super-Size Me to the incoming students. I think that the movie Fathead should be mandatory viewing for every single person on the planet! In fact, I really want to get it on DVD so that I can take it up to my old teacher and let her watch it. Six bucks says that she starts playing that instead of the other mindless crap… She has her Masters and if they are playing Super-Size Me to personal fitness students… all of this information needs to be revealed. Would love to find out how I can get a copy…!!!!

    I’d love it if they showed Fat Head in schools immediately after Super Size Me. You can order the DVD from this site. There are links on the right-hand sidebar.

  19. Josh Bandur, CPT

    In fact, now that I think about it… I’d love to hand a copy of Fathead to every single one of my clients. Legally, not being a licensed dietician, the only thing that I am technically capable of doing at this point is to direct my clients to observe the FDA regulated food pyramid, which I am throughly convinced is a load of Bologna!! However, I think that I could probably get away with passing out your movie without any harsh repercussions.

  20. Nick S

    Man, I do not know how you and other low-carb food bloggers do it. I feel like this knowledge is incredibly important to get out to the general public – I mean, it’s literally a matter of life and death for millions of people – but the amount of resistance I get when I talk about it is ridiculous! It’s almost like “eat less, move more” is a religious belief. Shun the nonbeliever!

    At least some members of my family are willing to give it a shot, but I think that’s mostly because they saw the weight loss results I got and want to get them regardless of whether or not it’s healthy.

    It’s an uphill battle, but I believe the truth will eventually win.

  21. Soulshroude

    That was the worst interview I have ever read regarding a supposed vampire. No wonder why we don’t want to have interviews with just anyone. That schmuck who was interviewed was NOT a vampire. Sure there might be some fat, toothless vampires around. But this does not take away the fact that the interview was complete bullshit. If I was at that location and heard the interview going on, I would have interrupted it and slapped the guy in the back of the head before asking him what the hell he was on about. Just… damn!


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