‘Twas the night before statins, and all through the land
Our lipids were lethal, as we’d soon understand.
Our eggs were all stacked in the fridge with great care
In hopes they’d be scrambled, or fried if we dare.

The children were calm and well-fed in their beds,
While visions of sausages danced in their heads.
The dads, mostly lean, and wives often thinner
Had just settled down for a porterhouse dinner.

When out in the world there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their plates to see what was the matter,
And what on the cover of TIME should appear,
But an arrogant scientist, peddling fear.

Cheers and belief from an ignorant press
Gave a luster of truth to the new, biased mess.
So away to the doctor we flew in a pack,
In hopes of a plan to end heart attacks.

He was dressed in all white from his neck to his butt
(which conveniently hid the size of his gut).
He sat us all down for a well-meaning chat:
“More carbohydrates — avoid all that fat!”

So sugars and starches we passed through our lips,
Only to wear them on bellies and hips.
Our hearts with their plaques continued to swell,
We grew diabetic and weren’t feeling well.

The doctor announced it was likely our fault –
We were, after all, still eating salt.
“But there’s no other option,” he said with shrug,
And pulled out his pad to prescribe some new drugs.

“Now Crestor!  Now Zocor!  Then Lipitor next!
Now Lipex!  Now Lescol, and best take Plavix!
To the depths of the liver!  To the artery wall!
Force it down, force it down, foul cholesterol!”

Our appetites crazed, we soon looked like blimps.
Our children lost focus, our manhood went limp.
The doctor examined joints now wracked with pain
And concluded the patients were old or insane.

He chose Celebrix for muscles that ache,
And added Cialis to the drugs we should take.
“Now stick to your diet, and be of good cheer,
If this doesn’t work, I’ll do lap-band next year!”

We’ve got family coming in to celebrate our first Christmas in Tennessee.  I’ll be taking the rest of the week off, except to check comments.  Happy holidays to all of you.

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23 Responses to “‘Twas The Night Before Statins …”
  1. Shelley says:

    This is brilliant! I read your blog often and thoroughly enjoy every post. Thanks for enlightening us all with your wit and humour and knowledge. Wishing you a fun and festive Christmas and New Year,

    from one of your many kiwi readers (-:

    Speaking of kiwis, Fat Head will be aired again soon in your country:

    http://www.documentarychannel.co.nz/synopsis?show=bd64618f-f91a-4801-ad52-5955321d18ef

  2. Jeanie Campbell says:

    Brilliant, as always, Tom. Have a wonderful time with your family. Merry Christmas!

    Enjoy your holiday as well.

  3. This is a masterpiece, although I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. ;-)

    Happy holidays to you too!

    Probably a bit of both is in order.

  4. Cathryn says:

    I agree with Jo-Lynne–I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Gave up cereals (aka organic oatmeal) for breakfast and am doing something with protein. My doctor suggested turkey bacon or turkey sausage (loaded with sodium and food preservatives) or some other so-called innocuous “healthy” foods. He told me to stay away from eggs–even organic ones because of the cholesterol.

    *grins*

    I want to wish you and your family the best of holidays!

    I wish you and yours the same.

  5. D says:

    You are one multi-talented fella. Enjoy your time with your family.

    My wife’s relatives are good people and a fun group. Happy holidays to you and yours.

  6. TonyNZ says:

    “Speaking of kiwis, Fat Head will be aired again soon in your country:”

    Yuss…

    Merry Christmas

    I’ll post a listing as well. Merry Christmas to you and yours down on the farm.

  7. Dr.A says:

    Love it! Have a great holiday and thanks for all your hard work this year keeping us simultaneously informed and entertained.

    Thank you for reading.

  8. Gita says:

    Loved it!

    Thanks for your blog, it keeps me motivated and entertained, I read it regularly.

    The very best Christmas to you and your family!

    Gita

    Merry Christmas to you as well.

  9. Phyllis Mueller says:

    Loved it, too! Thank you and happy holidays to you and your photogenic family.

    Thank you. Happy holidays to you.

  10. Paul451 says:

    LOL! Hilarious and well done, Tom.

    Your movie – along with Ravnskov’s and Taubes’ books – was a significant part of my education regarding the BOLOGNA I’ve been fed for the last 30 years. It’s absolutely INFURIATING that the continual low-fat diet advice gets just about everything WRONG. High blood sugar, elevated insulin, elevated cholesterol, the whole shebang.

    I went on a low carb diet nearly four months ago at 203 lbs and a 37inch waist. I am now 181 and below 35-inches at the waist. The improvements in my appearance, mood, skin color (NO winter skin rash that I get EVERY year at this time since I was 6 year old! – I’m 50 now) have been noticed by friends and family. Where’s this diet been all my life!?!? I was never considered ‘heavy’ or ‘fat’ but I could never seem to lose more than 2 or 3 pounds with low-fat diets and excercising like a crazy man.

    I’m due for my physical in mid-January and I cant wait to see the look on my docs face when he sees me.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to ALL,
    Paul

    If he reacts anything like the doctor who took my before and after in Fat Head, you’re in for a treat.

  11. Amy Dungan says:

    This is literary genius! My new favorite poem! :)

    Hope you and your family have a wonderful and blessed Christmas Tom and may 2010 bring you the best year yet!

    Best to you and yours too, Amy. See you on the cruise.

  12. Chris says:

    One of the best things that happened to me in 2009 is finding your movie. My wife and I have shed 63 pounds between us with no fear of ever putting the weight back on. The YouTube video on “Why You Got Fat” is a that all who read your blog might want to share with their overweight friends and famiily members.

    Thanks, Tom.

    No question that what makes us fat makes us sick. You’ve helped a lot of us become much healthier. And if laughter is the best medicine, you just treated me to a heaping dose of it with “‘Twas Night Before Statins.”

    Brilliant!

    I appreciate that, Chris. Congrats on the weight loss and the improved health. Who know it could be so easy, huh?

  13. tina says:

    Awesome!

    Thanks.

  14. Auntie M says:

    I may have to do a dramatic reading of that brilliant poem when I host Christmas dinner on Sunday.

    And just so I can whine to people who understand, my dear vegetarian friend just e-mailed me to let me know that her friend’s “nutritionist” has an opinion about low-carb: “It’s not that the carbohydrates are actually a problem themselves, it’s that most people just aren’t getting enough protein. All the low-carb tortillas and whatever aren’t worth the money.”

    Says the diabetic whose blood sugars go nuts after eating carbohydrates: “Bah, Humbug!” But I can’t argue with my dear vegetarian friend. She thinks that High Fructose Corn Syrup is okay because “studies have proved it”. Also, she’s a left-wing vegetarian. I’ve discovered that I can’t fight those religious beliefs. I try not to hold it against her, since she’s otherwise a nice person. I know YOU understand my frustration. :)

    Merry Christmas! Have a great time with your visitors, and may 2010 bring that miracle of all miracles, the return of common sense.

    That would be miracle. And I certainly understand the frustration of dealing with vegetarian fanatics. I just finished reading “The Vegetarian Myth” and kept shaking my head as Lierre Keith recounted her many health problems. I have vegetarian friends with many of those same problems — autoimmune diseases, spinal degeneration, arthritis, chronic pain, fatigure, etc. — but you can’t possibly convince them it’s the vegetarian diet. Meanwhile, I’m disease free and energetic. They attritube it to genetics.

    The one exception I know is the composer for Fat Head, Tom Monahan. He was a macrobiotic vegetarian and his health went south. He was smart enough to make the connection. Now he’s a meat-eater and he’s lost weight and feels fantastic.

  15. martin says:

    hi tom
    i love both your blogs, but why do you have to be so politically correct? i hate it when people say “happy holodays”. it is christmas, for heavens sake. why must christians feel ashamed. why should anyone be offended by another’s faith and festival. maybe its the american obsession with the leftist hollywood version of correctdness. here in the west indies, in trinidad and guyana in particular, we say eid mubarak at the muslim festivals and say happy divali and happy pagwah at the hindu festivals. as a christian i feel enriched by the variety of culture that surrounds me, not offended. i am disappointed because you are so forthright in calling out the stupidity purvayed to the masses by big pharma, big food, big business, big government and big unions.
    despite the opinion i have just expressed you have given me knowledge and enterainment i 2009. for this i am greateful and wish you and your family a truely blessed christmas and a joyful new year

    martin

    If you read both blogs, you know I’m not politically correct. I happily say Merry Christmas to anyone who says it to me or who I know is Christian. However, most of my wife’s family is Jewish, so I say Happy Holidays as well; not to be politically correct or avoid offending anyone, but just because it’s more appropriate for a mixed audience.

    We actually celebrate a bit of both in our house, Christmas with some Hanukkah stuff too. And here’s one of the reasons I enjoy my father-in-law so much: he’s Jewish, but my mother-in-law is Christian, so every year he puts up a huge Christmas tree that almost touches the top of his living room, which is two stories high.

    A merry and blessed Christmas to you and your family as well.

  16. CindyD says:

    That was brilliant and I am sharing with everyone I know. I’m also sending Fathead movies out as late Christmas gifts. This poem truly inspired me.

    I like your choices as a Santa.

  17. martin says:

    hi tom

    me again. thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. on the one hand i feel a little bad for misjudging your actions, but on the other hand i feel really good to know that you hold such positive sentiments and act on them.

    martin

    No worries; I wasn’t insulted.

  18. Gracie says:

    I love it! Thanks so much for all you do to kill the low fat lies.
    Hugs, & a Very Merry Christmas.
    G

    Merry Christmas to you too.

  19. Jim Purdy says:

    Love it!

    Statins! LOL!

  20. doctorsh says:

    May I send out a copy of your brilliant poem to my patients bvia my newsletter, always with a plug and a link to your blogsite.

    Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!!

    DoctorSH

    Happy to be included in your newsletter. Print away.

  21. Anna says:

    Hmmmm, the naughty elf in me wants to send this in my New Years cards* to the Pfizer sales rep relative.

    *as a lapsed Catholic and procrastinator, New Years greetings suit me better.

    Looks like the FDA will be putting plenty of goodies in Pfizer’s sock anyway, now that they’re on the verge of approval statins for people with “normal” cholesterol.

  22. Philip says:

    Dr. Duane Graveline, former NASA astronaut sure feels statins are naughty in that they cause Global Transient Amnesia

    http://healthjournalclub.blogspot.com/2009/11/statins-and-global-transient-amnesia.html

    Long before he was diagnosed with Alzhemier’s, my dad had a couple of episodes in which he was profoundly confused for a day or so. I think it was the same thing. And yes, he was taking Lipitor.

  23. tickyul says:

    Was a dedicated low fat dieter for quite a few years. I cannot describe the painful hunger (even when eating close to 3000 calories a day) and cravings for fat. Also my skin looked horrific, facial peeling, feet dry and cracking.

    I was looking at the new Mayo Clinic book on diabetes. Great book full of great information and illustrations. Or, it would be if not for the fact that they repeat the low fat stuff. THE MAYO CLINIC RECCOMMENDS THAT TYPE 2 DIABETICS GET 45-65% OF THIER CALORIES FROM CARBOHYDRATES. That is insane.

    The American Diabetes Association does likewise. It’s shameful.

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